LYNX LIFE LIBRARY

When I was 6 years old my sisters and I got our first puppy. She arrived a few months after my youngest sister was born. She was a Golden Retriever mix (we think) we named Annie Greensprings. "Annie" for the character from the Broadway musical of the same name, and "Greensprings" was the name of my parents' favorite wine. We were a military family so wherever we moved, she came too. Annie was a good-natured dog; very tolerant of our childish shenanigans like dressing her up in clothes and being a model for photography class assignments. She was very friendly to everyone she met. The summer of my junior year of college she passed away as a result of cancer. It's been many years, and I still remember the way she looked at all of us as we said our goodbyes. Those warm brown eyes and wagging tail, behaving as if she was just fine; not in pain at all. To this day, the hardest part is knowing that she didn’t understand why we were all crying and having to leave her at the vet’s office. Going home to a house without her was sad and felt strange. After she died, I couldn't imagine getting another dog; we'd grown up together after all which made her more like a furry sibling. At that time, grief over the loss of a pet was not given much attention outside of those grieving the loss. Our relationships with our pets can be just as meaningful as our relationships with humans. When we lose our pets, we grieve and can experience the same feelings as we would for our human companions and sometimes more intensely. 

What Makes Pet Loss So Hard? 

When was the last time you felt critically judged by your pet? Our pets could care less about the mistakes of our past, others' opinions of us, our political views, whether we are attractive, or how much money we have. They do not scold us for lack of ambition or make their love contingent upon our success. In our minds and hearts, our pets love us unconditionally, and sometimes that allows us to be emotionally vulnerable in a way we wouldn't with people. Sometimes that bond is such that it prevents someone from following through with thoughts of ending their life. In the work that I do I've heard many people admit their pet was their reason for living. So, losing something that you share such a connection with can be especially painful. Additionally, our pets cannot talk to us to tell us how they are feeling or to reassure us, so there may be other emotions that complicate their loss such as guilt, self-doubt, or helplessness. Not being able to talk to Annie about how she was feeling or have her understand what was happening left me with feelings of guilt. Grieving the loss of a pet can be further complicated by the fact that such a loss is considered a disenfranchised loss, which is a loss for which there is no universally recognized ritual for grieving. For example, you cannot take bereavement leave when you lose a pet, but you can for the loss of a person. 

Disenfranchised Loss and Grief

A disenfranchised loss (and the grief that follows) are those losses that are not widely recognized by society and so therefore there is rarely a ritual or permission to openly grieve. The death of a pet is an example of a disenfranchised loss. Other examples include miscarriages and stillbirths, or loss of an ex-partner. Disenfranchised losses are also those that carry stigma such as mourning someone who died by suicide, addiction, or mental health issues. In her article Disenfranchised Losses: When Grief Goes Underground, Sarah Vollman defines it as those [losses] that are unrecognized, minimized and or silent. The lack of recognition and minimization of these losses can serve to compound and complicate the grief people experience because there is a tendency to keep it to themselves or to invalidate their own feelings. It is important to remember that any time there is loss, there will be grief. The intensity of grief and how long it lasts may vary, but the structure of grieving appears to follow a consistent pattern: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness/Depression, and Acceptance (Kubler-Ross, E. 1969). It is important to note that these stages are not linear; people jump back and forth, and sometimes repeat stages as they navigate their way through. Our society does not tend to be comfortable responding to someone in grief. For that reason, and others, disenfranchised losses and grief can feel that much harder for someone. 

Processing Your Grief

In recent years, it has become more commonly acknowledged that the same stages of grief we experience when we lose a human friend or family member, are in evidence when we lose our pet companions. As a result, there is more information and resources available for those grieving such a loss. Social media has made it easier for people who have common experiences and interests to find one another and as a result, there are online groups centered on providing a platform for people to process their grief over losing their pets. There are mental health professionals who offer pet grief counseling as one of their specialties. NPR's Life Kit ran a story on pet loss that included suggestions for how to process your grief. It encouraged people to get creative and do whatever they felt was meaningful for them. As stated earlier, our relationship with our pets can be just as meaningful (sometimes more so) as our relationships with people. So, it is just as important for us to acknowledge and validate the feelings of grief that the loss of such an important relationship will elicit. 

Citations:

1. Vollman, S. (2021). “Disenfranchised Losses: When Grief Goes Underground.” Psychology Today.
2. Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, M.D. On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan, 1969.
3. NPR Life Kit: Losing a Pet is Hard: Here’s How to Cope. Keisha “TK” Dutes July 2023. How to cope with the death of a pet : Life Kit : NPR

Sources:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2023/10/31/pet-loss-disenfranchised-grief/71375731007/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/home/2024/06/25/how-to-cope-death-pet-dog-cat/ by Colleen Grablick 6/25/2024